[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
You can’t outrun your problems…
this is uni
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
#catsoftwitter
me 2 months after i graduated
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm