guys i’ve cracked the code
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
just got my engagement photos
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy