amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Morning.
Effort made
first you must answer his riddles
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”