I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.