Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits