*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Breaking news:
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!