If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs