I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I’d use my best pan on you.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?