Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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Kermit goes Blue.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Well well well…
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I hate when that happens.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil