Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
it’s the silliest best thing
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.