Google assistant rules
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY