What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL