Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
This probably isn’t good