Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
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God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
RT if you could go either way.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.