If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.