Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police