If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.