*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Yes, this is exactly right
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.