Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons