Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
dream blunt rotation
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist