All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
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Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently