Cats are still liquid.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Can’t, holding a grudge
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I hope this email finds you in a well
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Duck typos.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.