[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.