Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Nice try, poison.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus