I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
You Might Also Like
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable