Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
time for some seasonal decor
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.