I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
You learn something every day
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Guy who likes music
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.