Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Strangers have the best candy.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in