My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.