If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)