I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My circle of trust is a meatball
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.