Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”