I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
You Might Also Like
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.