I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.