15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
In banana years, I am bread.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home