Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone