When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo