Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
tinder is all about the long game
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
how was your vacation
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Get in loser we’re going crying
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream