Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Livid.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
kids play hide and seek like
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”