walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
There is no try. There is only give up.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My neck, my back, my…
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?