When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
uh oh
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Erm…
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.