Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That鈥檚 the point, dummy.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.