Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.