I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
You Might Also Like
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.