You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
You Might Also Like
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
good morning
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.