EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Not all heroes wear capes…
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
yea so i messed up lol
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
💻🤡
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?