One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.