The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months