“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
You Might Also Like
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people