So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.